Understanding Builds Bridges, Reactions Burn Them

 

 I am at the American Mental Health Counseling Association conference this week and as I listen to the amazing and knowledgeable presenters present on important topics, I often find myself going back to some basic core concepts of good therapy which are essentially basic core concepts of DIR.  I keep finding myself in conversations with people here that the most important thing that a counselor needs to do during the counseling process is to seek to understand the person they are with.  Understanding is the key.  As Dr. Greenspan said, "There is no greater feeling than the feeling of being understood".

Understanding builds bridges, reactions burn them.  

I can apply this to all sorts of situations.  

Parenting:  When a parent reacts to a child’s behavior, statements, thoughts, or way of being without seeking to understand them, it can create distance.  It can hurt the relationship.  It can result in the child feeling misunderstood and isolated.  We all do it sometimes.  It is hard not to react to something a child is doing or saying that feels disturbing and inappropriate.  But, by just reacting and not seeking to understand, we risk burning bridges instead of building them.  Our children need to know that we want to understand them.  Children, especially children with neurodevelopmental differences, often do not feel understood by others.  When people that love them react to their thoughts, the way their body is processing information, and their feelings in a negative way, they begin to encode an internal understanding that the way they are is bad.  I am not saying that some behaviors are not bad.  There are bad behaviors.  But, many of the behaviors our children exhibit are simply a way of coping and communicating.  They may be very poor attempts at coping and communicating, but nevertheless, that is often what they are.  Children desperately need to know that their parents understand them.  This understanding can help them weather the day-to-day challenges they face.  This understanding may not solve every daily problem or situation, but it will build the bridges necessary for your child to navigate their way over all the raging rivers they will face in life.  

Clinicians/Therapists:  It is easy to get caught up in our goals for a client.  It is easy to get focused on our therapeutic strategies and what is evidence-based.  It is easy to get lost in our agenda for the therapeutic process.  Remember, the best predictor of a positive outcome in therapy is the relationship between you and your client. Research has shown this to be true. It is not the technique you are using or how well you craft your written goals.  It is the relationship.  What is the most important part of that relationship?  It is that the client feels understood by you.  That they know you are willing to join with them to understand their existence.  To understand who they are and what struggles they are having.  Not to solve all their problems.  Not to fix them.  Not to teach them how to do something.  These all have a time and place, but these are not the key components to success.  The key is that your client feels totally and genuinely understood by you.

I could go on and on about this idea of how important understanding is.  I can apply this same quote to social justice issues.  I can apply it to suicide prevention (I will certainly write a blog on that soon).  I can apply it to world politics (I won’t dare write a blog on that anytime soon :)…but I should).  I can apply it to masking prevention (I did a presentation on this for PESI recently).  I can apply it to keeping marriages and long-term relationships together.   I can apply it to teaching in a classroom.  There are so many ways this simple idea can help us.  

Understanding builds bridges, reactions burn them.  

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and if you have ways this can be applied.